Most of us know the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes. How the Emperor was deluded into thinking he was wearing clothes, and a child was the only person clear enough to see cry out that "The Emperor Has No clothes!" However in our society today, and in our own community today, the child would have been arrested, disappeared, or been ostracized by the community for “outing the Emperor” or for not being tolerant of another’s kink.
One of the topics that come up regularly is about predators in our community, and how to deal with them. I have seen people post full blown plans to control predators, or demand that the “powers that be” such as FetLife or the local organizations set up full systems to root out, expose, and banish identified predators from our midst. And seriously, all I can see is another police organization that would be useless, or become predatory itself. Or worst of all, both useless and predatory.
One personal note on predators. Predators come from both sides of the slash. “D” type predators are more talked about and worried about. “s” type predators are just as prevalent in my experience. Both, however, are discovered by exhibiting similar characteristics. The predator talks well about integrity, honor, boundaries, consent, protocols, then continually pushes your boundaries, your consent. And when called on their honor, the predator usually refuses to have a discussion about their behavior. Predators often are the first to volunteer when you need help, then “are sick, hurt, another event came up”, leaving you without their help. All for good reasons, mind you. Judgment on Protocols seem to be held for your behavior, but not theirs. They often play the game of “implied consent”. To work around your negotiated limit or boundary, in the midst of scene when your head is flying, the predator will ask “May I”, which is often responded to with “If you would like..” by the victim. The “Implied Consent” clause is then invoked by the predator, making it the other persons fault for “Not saying No”. The predator definitely refuses to take responsibility for their behavior, blaming others for even having a concern about the predatory behavior. “I’m a Dom”, “I’m a submissive”, or “You just don’t understand” are words that are heard all too often. A person of honor will at least listen to your concerns, and have a real discussion about the matter, and would have respected the original limit.
I know I have tried to various ways of dealing with predators. Meeting with the predator privately often does nothing, as the predator refuses to see they have done anything wrong. Or they may even agree with you in private to avoid conflict, then ignore the discussion or issue completely. Publicly calling out a predator starts a series of blaming and shaming games, often resulting in a division in the group. Or creating weeks of endless diatribes, each attacking the other, each “proving” they are in the right. That “They” are the victims here. And in an absolutely worst case, the accuser often ends up being ostracized as “a problem in our community”. With over 14 years in this community, yes, I have seen that happen.
So are there constructive ways to deal with predators? First and foremost, don’t give them credibility. I am not saying to run around and start a whispering campaign against them. Just pull back from them. Stop greeting them. Stop hugging them. I know, hugs are free, hugs are nice…..and if this person truly is not nice, why would I let observers think that we are ok with each other? Why would you let the predator think everything is ok between you?
Stop supporting anything the predator is doing. The predators you come in contact with are not hiding in the shadows, barely known to the community. Most predators are apparently nice people, charismatic, charming even. And they often work themselves into positions of power and influence, even becoming elected leaders of groups. They may start their own group, with apparent success. The honorable and effective way to stop them? Stop supporting anything the predator is doing or sponsoring. “It’s just a munch/social..” And if it organized, run or sponsored by the predator, you give them credibility by your presence. “But they are only in charge of one part of…” And attending that one part gives them credibility. Think about it. If everything they do is suddenly underperforming in attendance, will they really get opportunities to be a predator? And you quietly and subtly show other leadership your concerns with the predator.
Feel free also to direct new people towards community members and support groups that you trust. If you bring them only to yourself, you appear to be self-serving and predatory yourself. Sending them to and introducing them to several people you know and trust gives the new person a wider support net. Make them aware of general predatory behaviors. This in turn helps make the new person more “predator resistant”, as they have people to talk to, to discuss their feelings and issues with. And the beauty of this? You have not said on bad word about the predator themselves. No bad karma to overcome later. In short, make the predator a non-entity in your little part of the world.
Most of our kink is about pushing boundaries. Our own boundaries. And other’s boundaries. And we can do that in a safe, consensual fashion. And the honest discussion and negotiation is what differentiates an honorable person from a predator. The willingness to say “I am sorry, I messed up”. Often many of the actions appear the same. And you know the difference on at least the gut level. So trust your gut.
So the result of these choices? I’m sure there will always be one or two people who won’t listen, and who will fall into the clutches of the Emperor Who Has No Clothes. And it we direct and educate the new members, and not-support Emperor, will anyone really care that the Emperor Has No Clothes? If we all mindfully not-support the predator Emperor, will they even be Emperor?
SOURCE: https://fetlife.com/users/609425/posts/1784527