It's safe to say my journey on FetLife started off very rough.
Partially, due to my twisted idea on 'male submission' due to growing up mostly within pornography. Latex clad women in stilettos, wielding whips and serving sadistic punishment to men. Men in the media side of submission usually being portrayed as a pathetic worm who needs to be punished. Not used for satisfaction, but punished for worthlessness.
Now, that side didn't appeal to me much but I didn't really know much else. The stereotypical type that I'd grown up to see had subconsciously stuck.
I signed up to FetLife with a terrible itch that a few unsatisfying sub/sub relationships had left me with.
Before signing up to Fet I guess I felt ashamed admitting being a submissive male... in the buildup to prior relationships I'd never mention that I'm not the type to take charge. Instead, I'd just perform very awkwardly in the bedroom when the other half is asking for me to show dominance, huh? grabbing your tit whilst licking your clit shows dominance? Squeezes tit awkwardly like a honky horn.
Like myself, most girls I've been with in the past would usually say things that would make me think they have a somewhat dominant side. I think the harsher reality was the fact they just wanted to push my buttons to test how I'd react.
Girl: You’ll do as you’re told.
My penis: Oh really now? Now we’re talking!
My brain: No, no, no! She’s just doing that thing all the others did, don’t believe it.
My penis ignoring brain: What will you do if I don’t do as I’m told?
Girl: Erm... nothing really. Was kinda hoping you’d put me in my place...
Almost like putting the key into a car, except this car isn't like most other cars. It can't let you ride it for hours on end and throw you around if you get rough with it. It'll just break down in embarrassment after getting into second gear.
All of my mates would talk about showing dominance with partners. If you was into anything different to this then you’re practically a freak. Then again, maybe they too were covering up a reality!
Wow... all these extremely beautiful dominant ladies that I'd be more compatible with.
It was like a dream come true.
I could finally see most peoples true intentions. People had labels. I felt like I was at a human kink store. I'll admit I was definitely "one of those guys".
Nothing - No response.
Moves on. Beefs up profile a little more before continuing.
"Nice copy and paste message"
But wait, that wasn't... never mind.
Now, I understand why many women said this.
I've since learnt that MANY people on here copy & paste the same shit to everyone in hopes of getting some response. This rejection knocked me back however because every message I sent was different. I read every single profile & even mentioned things about it in my messages. It almost felt like everyone was against me.
Inbox is full of very very blunt responses from Findommes, Pro Dommes and a small minority that seemed to have put little effort into messaging back.
I responded backwards and forward with these few. The 23 year old itch was
becoming almost unbearable. Hearing all of my fetishes being mentioned by the dommes in conversation? It felt like a dream come true.
Dommes: Before we go any further I'm going to request a variations of £75, £125 or even £250 to show you're truly interested and not a time waster.
Fuck. What do I do? These seem genuinely interested and my desperation after all these years of unfulfilled relationships could come to an end if I spend some money?
Are you stupid? Why should you trust paying £150 to prove you're genuine when you have zero reasons to believe that these won't just run away with the money?
My thought process: But I'm a pathetic male sub? of course I need to pay. Everything seems to be about money...
Brain: Don't. Do. It.
Now I'm no idiot. However, these people REALLY know how to prey on the desperate. They know that you've not really had any chances of talking to really Dommes yet because you're a newbie.
What I really needed was a mentor, not 100 lectures.
Hello, sorry Ryan you're too young.
Hello, nice copy & paste.
You don't seem like a sub, you care too much about yourself.
Go to a munch. Build a reputation and then we can talk.
£100 and you'll prove you're not here to waste my time.
Buy my clips
Pay me for my attention
Ignored. Ignored. Ignored.
Do you have any experience yet? No? go to a munch first.
-Insert patronising comments about age.-
Ghosted mid conversation.
Go to a munch.
Ghosted mid conversation!
I'd consider going to an event.
GHOSTED MID CONVERSATION!
...... Do you have £75?
FUCK OFF JACKIE YOU SHIT FLICKING SCAMMER...
Sorry... where was I?
It's safe to say I was left with an awful first impression. No one really wanted to get to know me because I was so fresh to the scene and wasn't willing to pay for attention.
It seemed that my respect would only be earned If I went to munches.
MAIN PROBLEM WITH THIS - Small rant.
I have major social anxiety and crowds scare the shit out of me. My profile has ALWAYS stated this. If I can't fit in and learn the basic ropes online I would royally embarrass myself at a munch amongst groups of very close friends that had been in the scene for so long.
I was very naive, very unwise to the scene & just all around nervous about any interaction. Growing up as a male I'd never spoke about submission amongst ANY of my peers. This was all very new.
Meeting one on one in a public area? No problem.
Responses after mentioning meeting one on one instead of going to a munch? Big problem.
I'm sure munches are great opportunities for learning, meeting people & growing a reputation. But for those that refuse to communicate with people unless they go to a few? Please try and be a little more open minded to potential reasons for not wanting to.
After a while of being ghosted, ignored or asked for money I started giving up all hope. Growing up as a male submissive (in my experience at least.) was a very isolated, shameful place. If most women know you're submissive they'd lose most interest. The popular kids at school/work/nights out were always alpha males.
My desperation had come from a lifetime of feeling misunderstood?
Never once would I intentionally disrespect women. I genuinely wanted to get into the scene. My anxiety & warped idea of male submission had my approach all twisted.
It’s not that I wanted to be taken by anyway, I just wanted to feel accepted for once.
Living my entire life in a shell worried about not being like most other guys was though.
I never grew up watching submissive guys on normal TV, it was more the stereotypical hunk.
What I’m saying is I’d felt alienated all my life and just wanted someone to tell me I’m not a freak, this is okay.
I actually gave in and started talking to a findomme. The itch to serve
had beaten all rational thinking. My bank account wasn't cut out for it but I wanted so badly to know what it felt like. I'd grown tired.
I lasted a few days, spent maybe £100. Felt a small amount of pleasure in giving money over but it just didn't feel right.
I officially left FetLife for 2 or 3 months. Never really had any intention of coming back.
I got myself into another relationship in this time. Another lack lustre sex life.
It made me think about FetLife again.
I came back, with a different mind frame.
The financial domination situation had made me realise that I longed for more than serving. I wasn't just a pathetic male submissive that needed to serve no matter what. I was a submissive male looking for his other half to potentially live a dream FLR relationship with. A normal relationship that isn't all JUST about kink, but one that could satisfy BOTH parties, sexually and mentally.
I invested more time into my profile. Not just portraying myself as a pathetic worm willing to do anything. Instead, making it clear that I know what I want and it's not spending money. I no longer looked like a stupid inexperienced target.
Every now and then I'd have a scammer try it's luck "Hello slave."
Not today - Rocky uppercut.
I started getting more into discussions in forums and although I'd piss a lot of people off with my lack of knowledge of the scene I got involved with conversations.
I started writing and growing more attention.
Suddenly I started meeting great people that would tell me not everyone is after money.
Instead of showing my desperation in messages, I started focusing my mind to writing erotica.
Suddenly I started seeing the positive side to FetLife.
People were finally starting to see that I'm not just on here for a quick wank.
I spoke to a few women that were disgusted with the overall introduction I'd endured. Especially regarding the "Pay £75 or we're not talking" types.
To all guys that aren't as fortunate as myself yet.
Know I once had an extremely dry inbox, not sure what submission truly was & was practically talking to myself for hours every day too.
Just ask yourself yourself a few things.
Set yourselves apart from other guys in the ways that have always worked - by being courteous and friendly, well known among social circles as a nice trustworthy guy. This will get you the opportunity to meet skilled single seeking Dommes through shared friendships/networking.
Be real, be yourself, be noticed.
Ever since I started acting like more of a human and less of a sex obsessed creep I’ve had much more positive attention and feel so much better about myself overall.
Don't just act with your cocks. Try and get to know people. Be patient. Write, get involved in discussions, update your profile, educate yourself. Don't fall for the money grabbing type UNLESS you're into financial domination. It'll just leave you feeling empty and even more worthless otherwise.
If you are looking to meet individuals then don’t expect miracles overnight. It could take weeks. Most likely months though. Be patient. Be involved. Be respectful. Be interesting.
Don’t take things too personally. FetLife offers no prizes if everyone disagrees with your points of views or not.
Just remember that FetLife isn’t a dating site and is actually an online COMMUNITY.
Sure some people have met through FetLife and lived happily ever after but doesn’t mean you should put all of your eggs in one basket right now Roger Rabbit.
Trust me, if an idiot like myself can settle down on FetLife then you definitely can too!
I've written a few posts that may further help you:
Dear fresh FetLife submissives (https://fetlife.com/users/9133470/posts/5501765)
Being a “submissive Male” a Few Words (https://fetlife.com/users/9133470/posts/5495425)
I'd also read this superb post regarding being an introvert with the whole munch situation by RESTINMURDERFACE
To the introverts of Fetlife who don’t want to go anywhere near munches or events (https://fetlife.com/users/10033161/posts/5687303)
This piece by TheRobotDevil titled "So you've realized that you're submissive" is also extremely valuable for fresh subs (https://fetlife.com/users/953909/posts/3624481)
Things will eventually click in place.
This is where my journey has currently progressed to. I'm loving my experience and can't wait to see what the future holds.
Thanks for reading guys,
Good luck.
I don’t want any findomme to think this is a person attack.
The guys that do findomme appropriately are absolutely fine. It takes a lot of hard work and thinking to do properly.
Although it’s not something I wish to partake in. I fully appreciate what you guys bring to the table. Plenty of subs love the whole financial domination side and that’s exactly what you offer for these.
This is purely a dig at those pretending to be like you just to earn a quick buck and then fuck off. The scamming types that’ll usually be found preying on desperate newcomers.
SOURCE: https://fetlife.com/users/9133470/posts/5702808