Negotiation Checklist: Questions for both Top/Dom's and bottom/sub's
By Professor-X and SpottedZebra
This document was created for Hampshire College Edu.Kink's workshop, Coffee to Kink. This was written as a resource for college students, but we urge you to adapt it to your specific needs. You can use this checklist for your negotiations whenever you are playing with a new partner. Go through the whole thing each time you're with a new partner, and take notes if you need to. For ongoing or recurring partners, you can also use our shorthand template at the bottom of this document.
Please let us know if there's something you think we should add!!
This document should also be supplemented with scene-specific information. Check our rope checklist and hypnosis checklist links at the bottom for a guide more specific to those types of play!
Also, use common sense, please, and uncommon sense if you can find it.
Before starting a negotiation, it is socially acceptable and sometimes customary to ask for references for someone's previous or current play partners. This can be messaging a fetlife friend saying "hey, I'm thinking about playing with Professor-X. Can you tell me about how that went for you? Is she legit?" If someone doesn't have references, that's good to know. It's not necessarily kiss of death for a potential scene, but it's an important piece of information.
What is your BDSM background?
How long have you been in the scene?
Have you been to classes/munches?
Have you scened before?
Have you scened without sex?
Have you negotiated formally before?
Ask about each type of play that you negotiate. Have you done this particular type of play before? How much?
What is your name? What would you like me to call you in scene?
What gender pronouns would you like me to use for you outside of scene? What gender pronouns would you like me to use for you in scene? (She/her, he/him, xi/xir, they them, etc.)
Note: this is not asking someone their gender--it's just asking how they would like you to refer to them.
How are you today?
How do you feel about playing with me today?
Are you happy and in a good mental space to play today?
Have you ingested any drugs and/or alcohol and/or any other mind altering substances?
How long are you imagining this scene will go?
Do you have any time constraints?
Of which parties is this scene comprised?
How many people are in this scene?
Are other parties allowed in the scene (if so, who)?
What safe words do you like to use?
Do you like the stoplight system?
What does "red" mean for you?
What does "yellow" mean for you? Tell me about the last time you yellowed in scene.
Are there any words or phrases that I should avoid? (Stupid, slut, mommy, coward).
Are there any general areas of topic that I should avoid (racial slurs, family, etc.)
Triggers?
Do you have any injuries or physical limitations that I should be aware of?
Are you on any medications that I need to be aware of (ones you have to take soon? Blood-thinners?)
Have you eaten and are you hydrated?
What clothing needs to remain on?
Should I take it off you, or should you?
What clothing needs to remain intact?
Can I touch you?
If so, where can I touch you?
Above the clothing or below?
Would you like to have an element of sexuality in this scene?
If so, what are you comfortable with? (Kissing? Hands and/or mouth on external genitals? Fingering? Penetration? Vaginal? Oral? Anal?)
What fluids are you ok with in the scene? (Saliva, sweat, tears, orgasmic fluids, blood, urine).
Do you have any STIs?
When was the last time you were tested?
What protection would you like to use?
What kind of play are you looking for today? What are you interested in doing? (Impact, Bondage, Humiliation, D/s protocols, Hypnosis, Sensation, Role Playing, Endurance?)
What role would you like? (Top, bottom, Dom, sub, Inspector, puppy)
What is your experience with pain?
What are your pain limits like?
Tip: develop pain-scale system to use with first time partners. What is a ten? What is a five? What number would be your max for the scene?
What kinds of pain do you like? (Thuddy, stingy, scratchy, hot, cold, pinchy, bitey?)
How do you warm up?
What toys can I use?
Can I leave marks?
If so, where is ok?
How long can they last?
Edge play has two definitions. One definition is play that is always inherently unsafe (such as breath play). The other definition is play that is on the edge of someone's comfort zone. Soft limits and hard limits are good vocab for talking about edgeplay.
What types of play would you like me to check in about mid-scene?
What types of play could be brought up depending on how the scene goes?
What types of play do you absolutely not want to do now or possibly ever?
Do you go into subspace?
Do you anticipate going into subspace?
What should I do if you go into subspace?
What is your communication like in subspace?
If you start crying, what should I do? (Or, shaking, inability to stand, talk).
What kind of aftercare do you need? (Cuddles vs. space, food and water, blanket, discussion, decompress)
Will you need transportation somewhere after?
What kinds of interaction do you need in days to come? (Check in, privacy, space, photos of marks)
SHORT HAND NEGOTIATION CHECKLIST FOR ONGOING PARTNERS
Use this if you've already played with someone a few times.
How are you today?
How do you feel about playing with me today?
Are you happy and in a good mental space to play today?
Have you ingested any drugs and/or alcohol and/or any other mind altering substances?
How long are you imagining this scene will go?
Do you have any time constraints?
Check in about safewords
Do you have any injuries or physical limitations that I should be aware of?
Are you on any medications that I need to be aware of (ones you have to take soon? Blood-thinners?)
What clothing needs to remain on?
What clothing needs to remain intact?
What are you comfortable with for this scene?
What are you comfortable with for this scene?
What kind of play are you looking for today?
What are you interested in doing?
Interested in pain play?
Thuddy or stingy? (Impact, Bondage, Hypnosis, Sensation, Role Playing?)
What role would you like? (Top, bottom, Dom, sub, Inspector, puppy)
What are you not interested in for the night?
What might you be interested in?
Do you think you'll go into space in this environment?
What kind of aftercare do you need? (Cuddles vs. space, food and water, blanket, discussion, decompress)
Will you need transportation somewhere after?
What kinds of interaction do you need in days to come? (Check in, privacy, space, photos of marks)
Note:
If you're playing with someone for the first time, it's always a good idea to make sure you have a buddy in the space, and/or make sure your partner has an emergency contact number for you.
For a Rope Scene...
Check out this link by SpottedZebra
Rigger and Bunny Rope Scene Checklist: https://fetlife.com/users/1998770/posts/1814133
For a Hypnosis Scene...
Check out this link by Professor-X
Erotic Hypnosis Negotiation Checklist: https://fetlife.com/users/2193608/posts/2124620
Let me know if there are items you'd like me to add.
SOURCE: https://fetlife.com/users/2193608/posts/1812310