So I wrote a little piece yesterday about keeping yourself safe, in response to recent events in my local community. I was hoping it would gain a bit of traction with local people because I really do care about you all, and it has kind of taken off well beyond my wildest dreams. The notifications are coming fast and furious, my mailbox is filling up, and I have had more random friend requests in the last 24 hours than I know what to do with. (Actually, I do. I'm not friending you, penis profile pic dudes.)
Of everything I had to say, what seems to hit the biggest nerve with people was my list of suggested red flags. Perhaps I needed to be more clear that it was only a suggestion, and that red flags are merely warnings to be investigated, but I had already droned on for a very long time and was trying to be conscious of my ever expanding word count. My list was never meant to be definitive, prescriptive, or exhaustive. Feel free to use what resonates with you, add what you want, and throw out the rest.
The people taking umbrage with my red flag list, both on the writing itself and in my inbox, are nearly exclusively middle aged men who want to explain to me that oh no no, it is unfair for me to list some of the characteristics that they display as red flags. There will be too many false alarms! What about the lost opportunities for people to date stand up guys like themselves?! And oh yeah, my list is stupid.
Bull. Fucking. Shit.
Ok, here is the thing. Everyone has a brain. I want people to use them. OF COURSE there may be a reasonable explanation for someone to be displaying a red flag, and I highly encourage everyone to use their brains, good judgment, and spidey sense to consider their validity. Someone just moved so they don't know anyone local yet? Reasonable. Someone doesn't go out to many events because they have mobility challenges and almost all venues involve a set of stairs? Reasonable (and actually a serious issue in both Calgary and Edmonton - we need to do better). Someone has never been to a munch because they live three hours away? Reasonable. In the absence of any other warning signs, these people might start to pass the smell test... but still proceed with caution until you know them better.
But I am not going to start deleting items off of my red flag list because I am worried about false alarms, and you shouldn't either.
Last year I organized a camp for 125 kids (did I mention I am a masochist?). On the second night the carbon monoxide detector in one of the bunk rooms started going off at 2am. We had multiple detectors and it was the only one alarming, so I was 99% sure that it was just malfunctioning. But you know what? I called the fire department anyway. I had 80 kids sleeping in that building, and the risk of ignoring a real alarm was just too great. They came out and did a full inspection of the building, and thankfully didn't find any issues. I apologized for calling them out to a false alarm and you know what they told me? DON'T EVER HESITATE TO CALL. They would much rather come out to a thousand false alarms than respond to a single call where a leak went undetected until it was too late.
So bring on the false alarms! Ask questions. Ask around. Go slowly, meet in public, and set up your safe calls.
And if that means it is harder for some dudebro to get a date? Too. Fucking. Bad.
Because you know what? You don't owe anybody anything. When selecting who to spend time with, who to date, who to play with, and who to fuck, you don't need to be "fair." This is not an equal opportunity initiative. If your only reason to avoid someone is "she hits my radar funny" go with it. You don't owe anyone any explanations. Keeping yourself safe is worth it.
Finally, if you are someone who feels unfairly targeted by a list of red flags and think that someone is going to miss out on the amazing opportunity to date you because of potential "false alarms," just.... no. You aren't that special. You aren't worth someone taking a big leap of faith, ignoring warning signs, just to date you. Maybe its time to do some self reflection.
You aren't going to get a trophy just for showing up. Nobody owes you anything. And if you are more concerned about false alarms than personal safety, you just might be the missing stair.
SOURCE: https://fetlife.com/users/6169698/posts/4940291