The 20 Most Helpful Things to Say to a Depressed Person.
I'm writing this in response to this post. There were a lot of questions about what you CAN say to a depressed person that would helpful. I think one of the worst things about mental illness is that friends DON'T know what to say, or they're afraid that anything they say will be damaging rather than helpful. And I think the "10 Stupidest Things" post reinforces that fear, which will only serve to further alienate those who struggle with depression. Now, I'm going to try to draw a line between what a depressed person needs to HEAR FROM THEIR LOVED ONES and what they NEED TO DO TO HEAL. For instance, in the original entry, one of the "stupid things to say" is "Just go outside more!" Now, it's true that it would be helpful for any depressed person to get more sunshine, but hearing such a flippant comment from a friend thinking the solution to depression rests only in an extra 20 min of sunshine a day, and that it would be so easy for a depressed person to willingly GO outside, highlights the lack of understanding between the two.
*DISCLAIMER - please go ahead and add an "in my opinion/experience" to everything I say. :-)
One of the things we (the depressed) struggle with is compounding negative emotions. We feel sad all the time, then we feel ashamed that we feel sad, paralyzed by the shame, and angry at ourselves for failing to be able to function effectively in the world. Then we feel MORE sad/ashamed/angry and the cycle continues. A GENTLE reminder to try to treat ourselves GENTLY and with compassion would be helpful.
Another thing we struggle with is expectations. We know that engaging socially would be good for us, but all we want to do is hide under our blankies and never, ever come out. However, most of us are trying to heal, to make ourselves better. This means that we have to take risks, REALLY REALLY scary ones, you know, like having lunch with a friend that we like. Seriously. So, we want to take these risks....we NEED to take these risks, but we're afraid to. First, because the depression itself makes it scary, and second, because we're afraid if we fail, we'll push our friends even further away from us and face a shameful rejection. We need to know that YOU will help create a safe place for us to try and spread our wings, and if we fall, you won't think less of us. And that you'll give us another chance. And another. And another. Keep wanting to see us and keep on understanding if we can't make it. This is key. That first part is important, too. Tell us that you'd like to see us. It's nice to be wanted, even if we might not be up for it. Yet.
Sometimes, when you don't know what to say, the best thing you can say is just that. Let us know that, while you might not understand, you care, and you're willing to help us, if we'll let you.
People with mental illness and/or clinical depression need professional help. We won't get better without focused therapy and possibly medication. And, for the record, as my therapist explained it, the goal of medication is not to fix the problem. The goal of anti-depressant medication is to create a little bit of emotional space between the emotions you feel, and the action you take because of it. It gives you a little more freedom to make a better choice. But I digress. If the depressed person is NOT getting help, ask why. The reason is often financial. If that's the case, there are often ways around it. Groups that work on sliding scales, even free help in some cases. However, a person suffering severe crushing depression might not think of this, and might not be capable of following up on it even if they did. A really good friend would look into that themselves, find some options, and email them to the depressed person. It gives them options without obligation. If they're not seeking help by their own choice, for whatever reason, well, there's nothing you can do. But it's good to put it in their minds.
We don't remember what joy or pleasure is. We've been sucked dry of it. Sometimes, a tiny thing, done mindfully, with the sole purpose of bringing just a modicum of joy, can be very, very valuable to us. Just...a cup of coffee, maybe. A GOOD cup of coffee that we pay attention to fully...the heat, the creaminess, the bitter bite, the balancing sweetness, the scent, the warmth of the cup in our hands, the way it feels as the liquid enters our mouths, rolls over our tongue and courses down our throats...it can be a five minute reprieve from the misery we feel. And it's such a tiny thing that we might be willing to try it, if you ask us to.
Yeah. We won't believe you. At all. We are pretty much sure we will never get past this and never feel normal again. But it's nice to hear that you believe in us, even if we don't.
This is exactly the opposite of what the demon-voice says in our head. All the time. We have no value and there is something inherently wrong with us. Please tell us that YOU believe otherwise.
It's pretty nice when people aren't afraid to talk to us...you know...normally. It takes us out of our own head and lets us live vicariously through you for a few minutes. Stories, especially funny ones are welcome. Even depressed people can laugh. And it's especially precious to us. Plus, it takes the pressure off of us to find something interesting to talk about, which we often feel incapable of.
If you're lucky enough to get into the presence of one of us (not an easy task), asking if we want to take a walk with you while we're talking could be a good move. If we're not up to it, we can just say so. If we say yes, you'll be helping us get some sunshine AND some light exercise. Someone to talk to, sunshine, and movement is a formula for a better day, for us.
This one pretty much speaks for itself. We know, us sufferers, that we are going to lose friendships, many friendships. The truth is that most people we know are not close enough to us to be able to cope with an extreme like this and be available for us to lean on. However, partners, best friends, family, lovers, these are the ones we need the most right now. We may need space, we may need comfort. We may need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on. But what we need MOST is the knowledge that there are a few people who love us enough to stay in the trenches with us. Some steadfast, wonderful people that we can learn to trust. These are the people who will get us through times like these. Our rocks. The people who will NEVER leave us alone.
Edited to add:
- Nothing. Or maybe just "I hear you."
Many of you have noted that sometimes, all we need, is someone to listen. A shoulder to cry on. No advice at all.
Controversial video about this..."It's not about the nail":
https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg
Maybe she's afraid if she pulls the nail out, she'll have irreparable brain damage. Maybe she's afraid that, if it's gone, she'll lose a central part of her identity. No matter what it is, what she needs from the man is just for him to listen. Sometimes that's all we need, too. Just to have an ear to listen. Just to be heard. Remember, WE have to be ready to remove the nail, and nothing you can say or do will make us ready. It's a decision we have to come to by ourselves. Also, neither she nor he can remove the nail themselves. They need an ER doctor, possibly a neurosurgeon. Just as we need professional guidance to change the way our brains work.
We NEED validation. Let's say you have a friend who is a self-harmer. They cut. They're talking to you on the phone, and they're explaining how much shame and self-loathing they feel. Maybe BECAUSE of the cutting, maybe for a totally unrelated reason. It might help if you tell them that it's totally okay for them to feel that way. It can help us stop struggling against our own feelings and start to just accept them. This can interrupt the vicious cycle of negative emotions that I talked about earlier. Sometimes we need to just accept that we feel bad, and let ourselves simply sit with that emotion. It really fucking hurts, when we can do that. But in the long run, it can help. It can really, really help.
Let's say we're still dealing with the person who cuts. With every emotion comes an action urge. Especially for someone who uses cutting to cope, shame often triggers the urge to cut. You don't want them to hurt themselves. You might be afraid that they'll cut too deep, and cause serious injury or death. It MIGHT help to remind them that they have other choices, that they aren't OBLIGATED take the first action that they want to take based on that emotion. Maybe that cup of coffee, or something more extreme, like a freezing cold shower, can bring them out of that feeling long enough for them to take a different action. But all YOU can do is remind them that they have other choices, you can't make the choice for them.
EDITED TO ADD FROM COMMENTS:
- From @mermaidkitty: "No negative feeling ever lasts forever, but I know just how much it feels like it will when you're in that feeling"
This is very true. No negative feeling lasts forever. In fact, most emotions last...was it 10 seconds or 10 minutes? I'm not sure, but the time is short. The problem is when an emotion keeps refiring in our brains. We're sad. We think about why we're sad. This triggers sadness. An so on. When emotions fire over and over again, it's called a "mood." When emotions refire so often it seems constant (sadness, in this instance) it's called depression. However, we can learn to understand and accept that we can be depressed and still have happy moments, too. The key is learning to attune yourself to your emotional state constantly, and when you feel a moment of joy, happiness, interest, or pleasure, cling to that shit with all you've got. Again, maybe it will only be a good cup of coffee, maybe a hot shower, maybe sex. But the moment you feel it, recognize it..."I FEEL GOOD RIGHT NOW!!!" and hold on tight. It can help you learn that you ARE, in fact, capable of feeling pleasure and joy.
I like these, because usually when we are offered help, we won't ever accept it. We fear we're being a burden. We're afraid that if we let someone close enough to us to really SEE us, they'll walk away. Because, at our core, we don't think we're WORTH your time and effort. We feel we won't be able to give you back whatever you want to give us. To explicitly say "I want to help you just because I love you, and I have no expectations of you in return," MIGHT allow us to feel safe enough to let you just a little bit closer to us, and the closer you are, the more you can help. The second part, too. "I want to be closer to you just because I really like you" We might not UNDERSTAND why the hell you'd want to be around us, or why you like us at all, but it's certainly an uplifting thing to hear, and it might get through to us.
This can help remind us that we are separate from our illness. We are coping with a very difficult thing that we feel has swallowed the rest of who we are. But it hasn't, not really. We are more than our diagnosis. We are whole people. Also, the language he uses serves to remove some of the shame we feel. To me, it also reads as "You are dealing with a very heavy burden, but that doesn't mean that YOU'RE a burden."
It might be helpful for depressed people to learn to change their own language about their mental illness. Most say "I am depressed" or "I am bipolar." This ties your identity to your diagnosis, and that's not a healthy tie to make. Maybe "I HAVE bipolar disorder" or "I STRUGGLE with bipolar disorder" would be a better way to put it. I still struggle with this part. I have been been so deep in a pit for so long that I see myself differently than I used to. My illness has become part of my central identity, and I need to work on separating myself from it if I'm ever going to get past it. This is where creating and strengthening other parts of your identity can really help. "I'm a mother, dancer, teacher, wife, lover, gardener, and artist who also suffers from depression." Yes, that's better.
Still from @The-Shy-Nerd (edited a bit by me): "Another suggestion I have for the friend/lover of someone dealing with depression, at least someone like me, is to check in without checking in. Send a text saying "hey thinking of you and the other day when you did/said....." or send a funny picture of something you found saying "oh man I saw this and laughed so hard and I remembered when we were...." or just say "hey what are you doing?" Tailor this to your person. It doesn't have to be all day every day, just remember to say "hey" often for no other reason than because you care and want to talk to them. Now it may be tough to find the right combination of how often and what to say so you do not add anxiety to your person. But hopefully you are close enough to really know your loved one and the little things they would like. These suggestions would help someone with my personality." An addition along the same lines from @Noman2000bce: "It doesn't matter what you say or where you say it. By phone, in person, email, snail mail...just keep in touch. Especially if we don't respond. You have no idea how much it helps. Caveat - If we say please cut back or stop, do so for a short while. Then gently come back and see if we say the same thing. Rinse and repeat.
It is a lot of work, but it helps.
This is another important point. We did not CHOOSE to be depressed, trust me. It's a combination of factors that caused depression. Our pasts, our neural patterns, our brain chemistry (and I'm sure many other things) all play a factor in how we got to where we are. But the point is, it's not our fault. It's not our fault we got sick, but it IS our responsibility to get better.
Still from @Luvmylyfe: "Hold me and say "I'm here". Because its a fact. You are there and I can't deny it and it means more to me than any words that could be said."
Several of you have made the comment that people have said something along the lines of #10. People promise that they are committed to you and will stick with you to the end. And then they don't. So if you are someone who may NOT, for your own reasons (health, balance, sanity, whatever), be able to weather the storm, don't make that promise. Stick to what you AND the depressed person know to be true. "I'm here, now, for you."
The truth of the matter is that pretty much no one will be willing to stick around forever if you are sinking into a cesspool of despair and NOT TRYING to change it. That is a BIG KEY for a lot of friends of depressed people, I think. I believe friends are much more likely to stick around if they see you really trying to overcome your problems, at least in my experience.
Thanks for your input, guys!! Keep 'em coming!
I think another important thing to mention here is HOW you speak to a depressed person. Even many of the "10 Stupidest Things to Say" list has some points that could be good for a depressed person to hear, but it's all in how it's said. Yes, we need more exercise. But that's so damned intimidating to someone who is depressed. Speak gently, and offer suggestions in the form of questions. Such as "Do you think it might be helpful for you to exercise more?" It's easier for us to hear and accept advice that we know is given with love and caring. Taking baby steps towards progress is how we live. We're not going to suddenly run a mile one day out of the blue, or start hitting the gym 3 days a week. It just will not happen. Suggesting baby steps towards those goals is more do-able for us. And every baby step we succeed at is a risk we win. And every risk we win makes us feel stronger, and just a little bit more ready for the next little risk. So, suggesting reading a book outside for 10 minutes....not 10 minutes A DAY, because most of us wouldn't even commit to that. No, just outside, one day, with a book, for 10 minutes. Maybe the next time it could be 10 minutes outside WITHOUT a book, focusing on the world and all the sights and sounds and smells and colors of whatever is outside. And the next time, it could be meandering around your own yard for 10 minutes. Baby steps. It's how we live.
Feel free to comment and add your own helpful advice to the list! If I agree, I'll add your suggestions to the journal entry. ^_^
Smiles Be well, everyone!
EDITED TO ADD:
For those who asked...YES!!
You all have my permission to share this in any way with anyone you see fit. If you're reposting on fetlife, PLEASE CREDIT HIS_LEILIA. If you're reposting on a vanilla site such as Facebook, PLEASE CREDIT ANONYMOUS.
If you're printing out and passing around to your friends, anonymous will do fine.
I am a person who refuses to believe in pointless suffering. This means I seek to find meaning in my own suffering, as well. If my experiences can help make life just a little easier for anyone else in the world, then I am humbled, honored, and grateful for the opportunity. Thank you all for the words of support and admiration.
EDITED TO ADD:
Here is a link to another of my writings, about my past struggle and some wonderful conclusions I've reached from it - Enjoy!
Optimist's Autobiography, Post Apocalypse: https://fetlife.com/users/34064/posts/1530904
SOURCE: https://fetlife.com/users/34064/posts/1798283