I received this PM from a Follower …
“My new Dom is really pressuring me! He wants me to [redacted in the interests of privacy] I tried explaining how far outside my comfort zone [redacted] is. He got really huffy and said if I was a true submissive I would [redacted] willingly and happily. Now I feel like a failure, like I’m no good as a sub, because it’s something true subs would do. Is it something all true subs do? Am I not a true sub?”
First of all, fuck that guy. He brutally went right to the heart of every submissive’s deepest fear: that they are not a “true submissive.” I’m sorry this happened to you.
The sad part is, this isn’t the first (or second, or third) time I’ve gotten a message saying essentially the same thing. Thinking on this, it suddenly came to me that I can hang a name on this shitty behavior: “sub-shaming.” And here’s a tip for every Dom and “Dom” out there: you don’t get to do that.
You don’t get to tell someone that they are not a “true submissive” because they won’t do X. That is emotional blackmail, emotional manipulation, and unwarranted guilting. It is, in short, a dick move.
You don’t get to tell them that their failure to joyously and blissfully comply with every checklist item on your (often clueless, often inexperienced, often onanistic) fantasy kink list means they are not a “true submissive.”
Now, to be clear, you can say the person is not an “acceptable submissive,” with it being clearly understood that “acceptable” means “acceptable to me.” Perfectly legitimate; we all have our standards and expectations, which is as it should be, on both sides of the slash. But to totalize from your personal preferences and kinks to some cookie cutter template of what constitutes a “true submissive” is the height of narcissistic bullshit. Do you really think you’re all that, hotshot?
If you have to engage in sub-shaming to twist your submissive into compliance by saying “you’re not a “true submissive,” here’s a little secret: you’re not a “true Dominant.” Grow up and do things right, or take a seat and let your betters pass you by.